I am going to attempt to explain what a depressive episode is like for me. I am currently struggling. I had an extended period of high stress and then an autoimmune flare so now I am going through a hard time. An old sweet friend of mine calls it "a dark night of the soul"
I am not really sad, at least I cant put my finger on what I am sad about. I feel numb, vacant, like I am frozen inside. My body hurts, my heart hurts. Everything is an effort.
I have struggled with depression as long as I can remember. An Aunt of mine used to call me "Suzy sad eyes" so maybe as a child I had troubles too, I dont remember.
It runs in my family, I think all the women on my moms side have struggled.
I want to be better, I want to work through it, figure it out, and beat its ass. I am tired of taking medicine to numb myself and marching on.
I told my daughter that I am going to attempt counseling again. I usually go and give up after 3ish sessions when I have to actually look at myself. Scary and sad stuff. She told me " you do have a crazy life" then proceeded to list off my stresses from a 17 year old viewpoint. What a girl, she growing up so great!
Mom, she said, you have a child with Crohn's disease (that's her), I know you worry a lot about that. Dad had a heart attack and isnt taking care of himself, you have a wild ADHD son and you have belly troubles yourself. That is a lot. Yes, yes it is. But there is no choice, I have to carry on. My family needs me. Dinner needs to be cooked, laundry washed and bills paid. And without me, this ship sinks. I dont have time to worry, or be sad, or help myself. This is life. We are all in this life and we all struggle with something.
So for now, I am on auto pilot. It feels like someone else is driving my body and I am just watching. I get up, get dressed, apply mascara, and do my duties. The house gets cleaned, laundry gets washed, kids get fed, errands get run. But it feels empty, cold, automatic. No joy in it. I feel alone. I should reach out to friends I trust and who understand but I dont want to bother them with my junk. I feel like I am a failure as a friend most of the time. And I dont want to hear what people think I should do or not do or hear my families role in my overloaded task list.
Other than my daughter, I dont think my husband and boys really notice if I am down. At least they dont say anything. I sense my husband getting frustrated with my apathy but he just stays out of my way when I am like this. He has confessed before that he really doesn't know what to do. I have told him ways he can help me and ways to warm me up and he is doing his best. Not his job to fix me anyway.
Someone asked for a list of priorities in my life to see if I can make things easier. The problem is I have no idea. I feel like I am just running and wiping up messes along the way. I thought of reading a few helpful books to sort things out. Except I cannot even tell you what I want or who I am right now.
God loves me. He wants the best for me. He doesn't leave me and i can always talk to him. That is my constant. I know he wants me to work through this and is allowing me to do so. This might be the right time, finally. I can fall apart and he can put me back together.
I just want to feel better. I want to get out of bed and feel normal. Happy, ready for the day, for life. Not dreading everything on my list.
So I made a therapy appointment for myself. It is in a few weeks, I am determined to work on myself and work through this. Figure it out. Get better. Be badass. I think it will be hard. I hope it will be good. Also hoping to have some more chicken posts for you soon, but now I will be trying to explain and work out this part of my struggle here. See you next time-joy
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