Exhausted

See that white spot? It's where my chair used to be and wore off the paint. If I had saved some of the paint, I could fix it. But I didn't.  That spot is enough to derail a feeling of accomplishment for me. Even if I got my whole to do list finished and my floors are clean, dinner was fabulous and dishes are washed, seeing that just tells me I have more to do. Always more to do.
I am exhausted.  Currently my loves are all out of the house, either working or playing and I am alone. I could take this time to get some more done but I am sitting.
As a wife and mother with a job outside the home, my list is endless. Not just housework and cooking but managing and guiding and loving and organizing and remembering everyone's schedule....and mine.
I am something to everyone I see and I wonder sometimes if I am spread too thin and not really enough for anyone.
I am wanting to make memories,  that is a thought that has been crossing my mind a lot lately. Making memories...

Are we making memories? Am I storing up enough good stuff for my kids and for me to remember? Will they look back on childhood and smile? Or will they remember their mom stressed and sad and busy? Not busy with people or friends or work but just walking in circles, cleaning talking and doing nothing over and over.
I see my children growing up, growing away from me. It's good, they have to do that. They have to form independent selves to be successful as adults. But there is pain in the separation.  There is joy in it too.
I want to be more present, less occupied.  Will it really matter if I washed my floors every night? That I put the laundry away the same day I washed it? That my yard was full of flowers and free range chicken poo? Probably not. I want them to remember I loved them. I was here for them.
I have little time for friends at this point in my life. Not physical time, I have lots of days off. My mind and heart are so full I just cannot give to relationships outside my home. I would be doing a disservice to anyone who wanted to be my friend. I tend to shut people out and make excuses. Having friends sometimes wears me out and I need that energy for my husband and kiddos.  It's not you friends, its me!!
But for now, endless list adding items of it's own accord, I am exhausted.  Not physically,  I get lots of sleep. My brain is tired, my heart is tired.
Thank you for reading my rambling, it frees my heart! Please tell me in the comment section if anything touches you. And if you have any pointers on being more present and making memories please let me know
        See you next time -joy