Exhausted

See that white spot? It's where my chair used to be and wore off the paint. If I had saved some of the paint, I could fix it. But I didn't.  That spot is enough to derail a feeling of accomplishment for me. Even if I got my whole to do list finished and my floors are clean, dinner was fabulous and dishes are washed, seeing that just tells me I have more to do. Always more to do.
I am exhausted.  Currently my loves are all out of the house, either working or playing and I am alone. I could take this time to get some more done but I am sitting.
As a wife and mother with a job outside the home, my list is endless. Not just housework and cooking but managing and guiding and loving and organizing and remembering everyone's schedule....and mine.
I am something to everyone I see and I wonder sometimes if I am spread too thin and not really enough for anyone.
I am wanting to make memories,  that is a thought that has been crossing my mind a lot lately. Making memories...

Are we making memories? Am I storing up enough good stuff for my kids and for me to remember? Will they look back on childhood and smile? Or will they remember their mom stressed and sad and busy? Not busy with people or friends or work but just walking in circles, cleaning talking and doing nothing over and over.
I see my children growing up, growing away from me. It's good, they have to do that. They have to form independent selves to be successful as adults. But there is pain in the separation.  There is joy in it too.
I want to be more present, less occupied.  Will it really matter if I washed my floors every night? That I put the laundry away the same day I washed it? That my yard was full of flowers and free range chicken poo? Probably not. I want them to remember I loved them. I was here for them.
I have little time for friends at this point in my life. Not physical time, I have lots of days off. My mind and heart are so full I just cannot give to relationships outside my home. I would be doing a disservice to anyone who wanted to be my friend. I tend to shut people out and make excuses. Having friends sometimes wears me out and I need that energy for my husband and kiddos.  It's not you friends, its me!!
But for now, endless list adding items of it's own accord, I am exhausted.  Not physically,  I get lots of sleep. My brain is tired, my heart is tired.
Thank you for reading my rambling, it frees my heart! Please tell me in the comment section if anything touches you. And if you have any pointers on being more present and making memories please let me know
        See you next time -joy

My fear of crowds....for all to know

No projects or recipes today....I am going to talk about an issue I struggle with daily, social anxiety. I wrote this a month ago but anxiety stopped me from posting it. Boo! But as I say, speak it out, it takes away its power. Let me first say that I truly love people. I enjoy good conversations and laughter and learning about their lives. It fills my heart. With that, let's dive in...

Social anxiety disorder.....the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. It is a pervasive disorder that causes anxiety and fear in most all areas of a person's life.

I have struggled in this area my entire life, a shy and quiet child and a nervous and uncomfortable teen I brought it with me to adulthood. It seems to be getting worse as I age. I am also getting better at recognizing it and calling it out for the nonsense that it is. I am getting more powerful in my push to work past it as well. Some days are harder and it takes some intervention from my husband to get me out the door. I also inform him when I am having a rough time. 20 years together and we are getting some things worked out! Ha!

           Fear of others opinions of me.
           Fear of rejection.
           Fear of looking foolish.
           Fear of not fitting in.

These are things that some assume to be the issues haunting my brain when I am faced with a social event.  I used to think so as well. Sometimes those 4 fears follow me but that is not always the case. Everyone wants to belong and feel loved. I am the same. I dont really care much for what people think of me, I know I am different,  I know I seem a little crazy, I love myself that way.

What social anxiety looks like at home before an event...
            Setting out clothes to wear, then                      agonizing over my choice and                           setting out more.
            Changing clothes several times.
            Getting ready really early.
            Fully ready and pacing the floor.
            Discussing with my husband why I                    shouldn't go.
             Using the toilet 100x in an hour                      before leaving.

Social anxiety out in public....

        Standing on my toes.
        Busying myself with kids or dogs.
        Standing or sitting quietly when                       everyone else is talking. (Unfortunately has been perceived as snobbish behavior)
         Finding work or jobs to do.

What social anxiety feels like to me.....
      Shortness of breath
      Squeezed heart
      Panic on the inside
      Fear similar to being chased
      Wanting to run,leave, go home.

A few years back I took a few personality tests and gifting analysis classes. It was really enlightening to know that much about how I work. I found out that i wasn't really shy, i am an introvert. I process things internally before i can react verbally. So i observe and collect before I feel comfortable. I also found out that I have a unique gift. I have lived with it forever so I thought everyone worked the same. This gift allows me to feel another person's feelings. It is a gift from God so that I can be able to have compassion and know how to reach people. He wired me this way for a reason.
 So go to your kids baseball game and imagine that you can feel everyone's feelings in the bleachers. Or at least a ten foot radius from your seat. She's angry, hes sad, this one is jealous over that one's new vehicle,  they are happy, shes content, hes really liking the look of her legs in those pants, shes disappointed,  hes grieving........aaaaaaaaaaaaa! Its overwhelming! That is the emotional soup I walk into when I walk into a crowd. So I usually sit myself down where I feel comfortable and stay there. Most of the time I want to talk to the folks who are hurting the most in hope that my words will show them some of Gods light. But sometimes I just cant. Many times people cry when they talk to me, somehow I bring that out in people and a little league game is not the place for that!
I have entered businesses or rooms and had to walk right out. Like something was going to swallow me there...Starbucks is one of those places. Not a good feeling there. Drivethru is fine!
            I know I am not alone in this struggle.  Many of us fight it and keep going. Put on that mascara and get out there! That's what I tell myself!  If you see me out and about, please talk to me! It snaps me out of my bubble. Also if I have ever asked to talk with you, please let me! It takes a lot of bravery on my part to ask and God has great things  to tell you through me.

See you next time- joy

Apricot honey sweetened jam

Making jam has been a summer activity in my life since I was a child. Mom always made it...strawberry,  strawberry-rhubarb (my fave), BlackBerry, raspberry mmmmmmmm. Usually jam involves fruit and a ridiculous amount of white sugar.  Something I am trying to cut back on or avoid altogether.  Having an autoimmune disease,  it is better for me to stay away from processed sugar to help my body heal itself and stay out of flare.
There is just something about tasting jam on a dreary winter day that lifts your heart. Almost fresh, sweet tart fruit spread bringing a little summer to the soul.
Today I have an abundance of apricots so I am making apricot jam. I will sweeten it a little with raw honey and use "pamonas pectin" to gel it. This brand of pectin requires no sugar to set up! You could make jam without any sweetener at all if desired. 

Select your fruit, you want ripe but not squishy fruit. Too ripe and it might not gel, not ripe and it won't cook down properly and be a little too tart.
Wash, peel, pit and chop fruit. I prefer to freeze apricots whole and then cut. The peel comes off a lot easier and frozen fruit is so easy to cut. No slimy sticky mess that way!

You have to cook down the fruit. Meaning plop diced apricots into a saucepan,  cover and boil until soft and mashed to your liking. I use an old potato masher while the fruit is cooking.

Follow the recipe below to make your own jam. Any fruit will work! I made apricot and apricot-pineapple today. 

See you next time-joy

Honey apricot jam

Makes 1 pint

4 cups chopped apricot

1/2 cup raw honey

1/4 cup lemon juice

4 tsp calcium water

3 tsp Pomona 's pectin

 Add fruit, lemon juice and calcium water (included in pectin package) to medium saucepan.  Bring to boil on high heat, covered and boil until fruit is soft. Using a masher or wooden spoon,  mash fruit to desired consistency. When fruit mixture comes to a rolling boil, (boils hard with bubbles throughout that dont stop when you stir) In a separate bowl,  mix together honey and pectin powder, set aside. After fruit comes to a rolling boil, stir in honey and pectin mixture.  Continue stirring until jam comes back to a rolling boil. Remove from heat and spoon into canning jars. Wipe rims of jars

Top with 2 piece lids and process in a boiler  canner for 10 minutes. Cool on countertop and share!