I started going to counseling in November . I was desperate. I was feeling lost, stalled by the grief of losing Dad and overwhelmed by life. I knew many things in my life were out of balance but didnt know how to change them. Repeating the same sick patterns for years upon years doesn't change your situation. So to therapy I went. I have made feeble attempts at this before. Usually quitting when things started to hurt. It is easier to stay in familiar patterns than change.
I went in thinking I would sit and talk about the things that make me sad, be validated for my feelings and get fixed up. It's more than that.
I have to look at myself. Look at the parts of my life and relationships that are dysfunctional. Things I have ALLOWED. Things I continue to allow. All the times I should speak up and dont. Examining my own headspace and thought patterns. Calling myself out on reapeating thoughts that make no sense.
Work has to be done. I have to call myself out. I have to stop allowing bad behavior from others I love. But its painful. It is easier to allow others to treat me the way they always have. Asking for a different way and voicing my needs feels selfish. I have to get out of my own way, allow healing to happen. Trust the process and do the things my therapist says to do. That is hard.
I will stick this out. I am in this to win. A happier heart, a better wife, a better mama. I am nothing to anyone if I am suffering inside. I dont want to fall back into a repeating self punishing pattern. In my family, addiction and self punishing is rampant. I dont want that for myself or my children. It killed my dad. It killed my gramma. For myself, for them, I will keep trying. Its painful, it's very hard. I feel guilty about these things that are beyond my control. I have a feeling that I am failing everyone but when I look back, I am making progress. Spring is coming and I cannot wait to get back in the dirt and sun
See you next time-joy
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