Sourdough starter

I killed my sourdough starter! I tried gluten free sourdough starter as an experiment a few months ago. Everything was going really well, until a week or so of neglect, then it died. Now I have to start over.....that's ok, I will take you with me!
As a celiac, bread is something I dont really eat. Commercial gluten free bread is expensive and honestly,  not that good. I have baked many loaves and tried many recipes.  It always turns out dense, dry and disappointing. 
I had a day where I needed some bread. I will die today if I dont eat some bread is what my heart said. So I bought some gluten free sourdough.  It was $7 for 5 slices. Geez. I made 2 peices of garlic bread and then pretty much devoured the rest of the loaf. It was SOOOOOO good. I must make this!
So on to pinterest and research and find out how I can make my own. For less money and more work. That's how I like it. I made the starter, fed it attentively and watched it bubble and ferment. YAY!!! I baked bread, made bagels, muffins, pancakes and a chocolate cake for my birthday.
  It was all so good. Filled my belly and my need for bread. Then I had a busy week or two at work and neglected to feed my starter at the right times. Slowly it started to die. Less bubbles,  no yeasty smell, and mold! One must be committed to this stuff! This time, I will do better. Faced with the prospect of no bread for 2 weeks is a sad day.
Let's make some starter!
You need a glass jar, brown rice flour, water and a coffee filter.
The first 7 days are the most critical.  After that you can relax a bit.
To begin mix together 1/4 cup rice flour with 1/4 cup water in your jar and cover with coffee filter. Set on your counter. If you have other ferments going, such as kombucha or kraut, you want to keep sourdough starter away from them as they can weaken each other.
For the next 7 days you will want to feed your starter 3 times a day. 1/4 cup flour and 1/4 cup water. Timing isnt super crucial as long as you space it out. I do when I wake up, around lunchtime and before I go to bed.
After 7 days you can bake!! The starter also will go into maintenance stage at this point. It will need feeding at least once a day but I like to stick with twice. Every 12 hours or so. I will share my bread recipe in a later post.
Also, I have started an experimental YouTube channel.  It is Joyous Prairies and i will be sharing more about my life there. My therapist has encouraged me to do this and I hope it will be a benefit to you all and myself. See you next time-joy

Therapy is hard.

Therapy is hard. Its painful. It requires work. Work that cannot be done by someone else.
I started going to counseling in November . I was desperate.  I was feeling lost, stalled by the grief of losing Dad and overwhelmed by life. I knew many things in my life were out of balance but didnt know how to change them. Repeating the same sick patterns for years upon years doesn't change your situation.  So to therapy I went. I have made feeble attempts at this before. Usually quitting when things started to hurt. It is easier to stay in familiar patterns than change.
I went in thinking I would sit and talk about the things that make me sad, be validated for my feelings and get fixed up. It's more than that.
I have to look at myself. Look at the parts of my life and relationships that are dysfunctional. Things I have ALLOWED.  Things I continue to allow. All the times I should speak up and dont. Examining my own headspace and thought patterns. Calling myself out on reapeating thoughts that make no sense.
Work has to be done. I have to call myself out. I have to stop allowing bad behavior from others I love.  But its painful. It is easier to allow others to treat me the way they always have. Asking for a different way and voicing my needs feels selfish. I have to get out of my own way, allow healing to happen. Trust the process and do the things my therapist says to do. That is hard.
I will stick this out. I am in this to win. A happier heart, a better wife, a better mama. I am nothing to anyone if I am suffering inside. I dont want to fall back into a repeating self punishing pattern. In my family, addiction and self punishing is  rampant. I dont want that for myself or my children. It killed my dad. It killed my gramma. For myself, for them, I will keep trying. Its painful, it's very hard. I feel guilty about these things that are beyond my control. I have a feeling that I am failing everyone but when I look back, I am making progress.  Spring is coming and I cannot wait to get back in the dirt and sun

See you next time-joy